Sarah D. Shearer

Do remember Darla from Finding Nemo? Darla, who held the bag with the fish so excitedly she ruined the good thing she had going? 

Yeah, that’s how I feel I am with relationships. I make a friend, and then I never ever ever want to lose them. I will hold them with a death grip and try without fail to get them back into my life until there are no signs of life left, if it appears the friendship is waning. 

I do the same thing when I’m hosting an event. Is everyone having a good time? How’s the mood? Does it need a joke? More snacks? IS EVERYONE HAVING A GOOD TIME??? They probably were until I forced the issue. 

I text a friend. They seem distant. I send 18 more texts, asking if they’re okay. Have I done something? Why the distance? Let’s be best friends forever right now!

And with my man. The slightest look of consternation crosses his face and I fall into a puddle. Please don’t leave me. Are you mad ? How can I make this better? And he wasn’t even upset. 

Gosh, even writing this is embarrassing. I think it’s safe to say I’m an enneagram 2, but even deeper than that, I have some real relational insecurities that have become abundantly apparent since I began to prepare for marriage. 

I saw a flash of my future the other day and it terrified me. Me, as a mother, forcing my kids into some moment they don’t want to be part of. You WILL ENJOY THIS, I scream, terrified my own children don’t even want to be with me. 

For someone who says she’s good with relationships, I sure don’t sound like it. This season is teaching me to Let. It. Go. 

People move away and move on with their lives, it doesn’t mean they left ME and they are abandoning the relationship. 

Some people aren’t texters. That’s okay. 

Sometimes I’ll annoy people. It doesn’t mean they want to discontinue their connection with me. 

Sometimes I’ll host people in my own home and they may not have a good time and it doesn’t mean it’s my fault. 

I’m writing this all down in the hopes that there’s someone else out there whose brain operates the same way, or maybe I’m just crazy, in which case, move along. 

Here’s the thing. The harder I hold onto something or someone, the less I can actually enjoy it. The more I’m afraid people will leave me, the more ill expect them to, and the more they will. 

It’s extremely frustrating, because I feel as though a lot of my actions have an opposite response to my desire. I bend over backward to make something convenient for a friend, or try not to be a burden. Then I worry so much that I’m being a burden that I begin to actually burden them with my constant need for reassurance. Is everything ok? Am I bothering you??? 

So what’s the lesson? The mandate, the call, the encouragement? 

It’s for me, and maybe for you , to take a big step back. To find my worth in the only one who will never leave me or forsake me or move away from me or stop being friends with me. He will always encourage, always support, always be there when I need him. As much as I love Lucas, my family, and my friends, they make terrible saviors. 

The only one whose arms are strong enough to hold me without ever getting tired are the arms of Jesus Christ. He’s not my buddy or my political mascot or someone who I use to get my point across. 

I think we are forgetting the reason Jesus came. 

He came to save us. To rescue us from ourselves and the devastation of our actions. We don’t need another Jesus movement, another church service or an article on self care or even a soulmate or a best friend. The only one who can fill that hole is Jesus, and I can guarantee you can search your whole life and you’ll never find it anywhere but in him. 

And I should know this. I’ve been walking with the Lord for many years now. But sometimes I forget. And sometimes you may forget too. So I wrote this all down for you. Be encouraged. You are loved. You are bought with a great price. So be at peace and rest, and free yourself from the approval of men. They will always let you down. Jesus, though, he’s got you and he’s got me.