Sarah D. Shearer

 I never planned to share this story publicly.

But, considering present circumstances, I wanted to write in the hopes that you may be encouraged and see that I offer this message of positivity and joy not as a platitude, but as a truth to cling to in the darkest night.

About a month after our amazing wedding, I found out I was pregnant. This was cause for great celebration! Our deepest desire is for children. If you were at our wedding, you would pick up on this. Really, if you know me at all, you know I love children and have always wanted to be a mama.

So, even though we had scarcely begun our marriage, we were thrilled. Many people made jokes and scoffed at how soon after marriage we had conceived, and some even tried to do the math, speculating about when the baby was due. I was excited, but I began to dread telling people because before they could congratulate us, they said “Wow!! That was fast!” I thought about getting a t- shirt that said , “yes we know that was fast.”

Nevertheless, our joy mounted and our friends and family celebrated as we prepared for our baby’s arrival in September.

Then, at my first appointment, the day before we were going to announce it to the world, they could find no heartbeat. I think my heart stopped for a moment too.

As the day unfolded, we learned our baby had passed away, and I had so many thoughts in my head.

I was so upset this had happened to me! I did everything right! I’m the nutritionist’s daughter! I’m super healthy! I don’t have miscarriages. I’m immune to loss. I prayed, I wanted a child, I waited until marriage, and still, this? I felt cheated and didn’t understand what I could have done wrong.

I wasn’t mad at God, I was just mad in general.

I was sad, deeply sad. I was and am a honeymooner, life was perfect, and now, suddenly, I was no longer anticipating anything.

I loved being pregnant! I was entering the mom club, and now, in a very traumatic instant, I had been kicked out of the club.

Now I had to tell everyone I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

I felt stupid and sad.

And yet, I had this unshakable peace. Together, my husband and I came before the Lord and reiterated our trust in him. We recognized he was writing our story, and we knew that he was good.

I thought that trusting him with our family size meant we would be rewarded with all healthy pregnancies, but as we prayed through the process and grieved our loss, we realized that it rains on the righteous and the unrighteous. We weren’t being punished, we hadn’t done anything wrong. It had just happened, and we would never know why. 

God wasn’t judging us. He was the last person I would have considered being upset at. He is my best friend. He is perfect, good, loving and true. Even as I cried, I knew God was writing a good story with our family, and that in his perfect timing, we would have a baby. 

I don’t encourage you to be joyful from a pedestal of a perfect life, I say it because I’m walking through it now, today,  in this moment. 

If you believe in God, then you must believe he is good, and if he is good, he can only do good, and when bad things happen, he will always work it out for good, and his thoughts toward you are good and his plans for you are good.

With this knowledge, I am filled with joy. The God of the universe cares for me. I am known and loved by him and his favor follows me and his mercy covers me. 

God didn’t cause me to have a miscarriage, but because he is infinitely good, he will use it for good!

This, this is cause for celebration. That my little life could bring honor to Jesus. That out of our pain, a life could be encouraged, is such wonderful news!

We must not run from suffering. We must embrace it and find joy in the midst of it. 

We must not surrender to the circumstantial lens through which we view the goodness of God.

He is good. This is all we need to know. At that point, our joy begins, and should never cease, because he never ceases being good.

So, my friends. Rejoice. Even in uncertainty, even in loss, even facing death. 

It is so much better to live in hope, with purpose flowing through our veins. With life and joy and hope, we can encourage others, we eat better, we exercise more, we look forward to the future, and most of all, we do not live in fear, because fear is the absence of faith. 

I do not fear the future. I know God is writing a good story, with our family, with your family, and with the world! 

Could you, in the midst of your uncertainty, your loss, your facing of your own mortality, take joy, because your trust is so deep in the Father’s love?

Could you, if you are paralyzed by fear and anger, just take one small step toward faith, and toward hope? You could begin by saying what you are grateful for, and how your negative situation could be positive in at least one way.

Being positive is like getting in shape. It requires exercising the muscle of a joyful perspective. If you’re usually negative, your muscles will be weak. That’s okay. Just start, and practice every day. God will meet you and carry you and sustain you.

I believe it with all my heart.

With great hope,

-sarah shearer